Monday, July 16, 2018

Your courage was a small coal that you kept swallowing



I think I’m better now. I used to have this huge stage fright that made me so afraid of talking to a large crowd. I’m not really sure if I had those anymore, but most probably I still have it. But we don’t do powerpoint presentations anymore so I can’t really test myself. And I don’t even know why I had such fear. Suddenly, I just can’t make eye contacts, I have to stick to my script or I’ll went blank and if people starts asking questions, I’ll be shivering and my heart just beats like I’ve just run a marathon or something. Weird.
Lately, we’ve been doing a lot of poster presentations. Like, tons of them. And I just have to present to one evaluator at a time. Weirdly, I found myself not nervous at all. Well, with tons of practice ofc, I can never do things spontaneously, I just can’t. So during the poster presentations, I’m so relax, everything I practiced just went smoothly, and when the evaluator asked some questions, whether I can answer it or not, my heartbeat just remain the same. Weird.
I thought I’m getting better. But then I realized something. Because I was confident. When there were too many people, there’ll be lots of expectations, and I tend to think of what others might think of me and that kindda make me feel anxious. But when I knew who my evaluator would be, and I’m prepared for that particular person, I can be confident.
Everything was going so well, just a little bit too well, and guess what, on my last presentation, the evaluator will be someone I’d want to avoid the most. I don’t think I can be confident anymore. I think I’m going to ruin it. The anxiety is killing me. And I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to be brave, to be strong, when you’re so scared.
So I decided to watch movie HAHAHA. To the Bone. It’s really good honestly. Not curing my nervousness though but still good enough to make me forget about it for a moment. I need that. That’s what I always do anyway. Rather than trying to overcome it, I just run and hide then forget about it.
Let’s just go through this, one last time. Why is it so hard. Even while writing this, my heart is beating like crazy. I’m so scared.

Monday, February 5, 2018

I’m Gonna Call You Keith

So, I have just finished this amazing movie ‘Keith’. Well, I finished it at 4 AM last night so I wasn’t able to write after the movie ended as I needed my sleep. So, what about this movie? Please don’t read this if you haven’t watch the movie, I’m thinking of writing some spoilers here. And trust me, the movie is beyond amazing.
So, why Keith? Actually, the character Keith reminds me a lot of you. Keith was like so mysterious, full of secrets, never really let anyone pierce into him or his life, full of theories and ideas, pretends that he was dumb but actually a genius, and didn’t truly show his emotion. Just like you. Or maybe the old you, if you have changed, or grew up.
He played roleplay randomly, just like you used to. He just did everything and anything that crossed his mind, and just had fun. He would give this amazing quotes and theories, well, you know what you used to be like, right. You would always have theories of everything, and was like the most genius person I’ve ever met. I don’t know if you really was observing everything or just simply talking garbage (I wanted to write sh*t but it won’t be appropriate). Then you would give amazing advises and quotes, and I would just be wowed by it. How can a twelve years old boy (until fifteen I think) be so matured and cool and amazing? Keith said that he’d just want to drive his yellow truck that he loved so much and doesn’t think much of his future. Well, you always wanted to be a postman because you don’t like to work in cramped office, you wanted to work outdoors with the breeze, while riding your motorcycle. Well, at least you have a dream of your own, no matter how bizarre and nonsense it is, you just don't care, or don't want to care. Keith and you always had everything planned that only you guys know. Nobody can really figure out what's going on inside the head of yours. And then you would just do it, as you pleased. You guys don't really give presents, instead, you guys gave meanings and feelings. Keith gave a part of his truck engine for Natalie to just assemble and figure it out herself. While you, you gave things like sim card, bread clip, and poem. I'm sure there's some more but I just couldn't really remember. So if you asked me what I wanted for birthday or anything, I wouldn't ask for materials but I would ask for meanings and feelings. Because that is you. Both of you have so many secrets, so mysterious like nobody should know what’s deep inside you guys. Keith’s big secret was that he had cancer and was dying. I don’t know what your big secret is but at least you don’t have cancer, I hope.
I had so many things to write yesterday but I can’t think of anything today that I feel like this writing is really bad. But one thing I really want you to know, that you’re amazing and I’m glad I met you. I’ve been idolized you ever since I knew you, until now actually. You’re just, different. No matter how many people I’ve met in my life, nobody can be compared to you. You’re simply just amazing. Trust me, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I hope you still have those in you. Well, you still give me good advises, you still have those theories, and you still talks garbage so yeah, probably you’re still the same.

"We're here in a yellow truck a road ahead of us and nothing but opportunities" - Keith

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Just Another Scribble


Hey. You know, I’ve been thinking of something that I really want to do. At first, I wasn’t really sure of the road I’m taking, like, do I really want to be in medical field? Do I really like science? Do I really want to work in a hospital? Well, actually, yeah, that was like my ultimate dream since I was like eleven. But I have this fear of bloods and wounds so I prefer not to be a doctor though I used to think that I’m good enough and capable of being a doctor. So here I am, choosing a career path of a pharmacist. It wasn’t so bad, well, it’s really exhausting and sometimes I feel like this is too tough for me but overall, I kindda enjoying it.

But what do I really enjoy? Writing. I don’t know since when but I really enjoy writing. So that’s why this blog never really dies. I haven’t updated much since I don’t really have the time lately. But I really enjoy writing. Not the fiction type or novel stuffs, just writing. I like the sound that it makes everytime I clicked on the keyboard. I like to just imagine things and sometimes (well most of the time actually) I talked to myself pretending like I’m talking to someone. And I like it when I write whatever that comes to my mind. Like, just scribbling around my feelings.

Should I start on a travel blog? Since I travel a lot. But I’m not really the type of person who writes on something solid. I just like to write what’s on my mind at the time and let it flow, like now. So I don’t know if this is ever going to be a career though my father will give his full support if I wanted to be a writer. But I just don’t have the courage and confidence in myself. I don’t think I’m good enough. So I’m just gonna write as a hobby. Since I’m in movie mode this semester break (I’ve been watching like, four movies each day), I might want to write more.

Ps; just finished watching a movie about a writer, so yeah, that triggered me to write. I really want to write on depression next but the feeling hasn’t come yet (finished watching The Art of Getting By, It’s Kindda Funny Story, and According to Greta which all are about depression and they’re really good)

So, I’m either be writing about it or not.

I don’t know if anybody ever read this, but tbh, I read it. I love my writing. And I really want to remember this a few years later. So, gonna let it jeojang in here. 

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

It is wrong to hurt so much?


Have you ever like, randomly crying, for no reason. You just burst out, and have no idea how to stop it. Well, I don't even know why, how do I know what to do to stop it. But, do I need to stop? Can't I just cry? 

What Jonghyun wrote in his suicide note was,

"Find out why am I hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much? Do i need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?" - Kim Jonghyun

You're right Jonghyun. Do we all need a reason? What we need wasn't a solution, but just someone to listen to us. And tell us that "You've done well". That's all.

"Just tell me I've done well. That this is good enough. That I've worked hard. Even if you can't smile, don't fault me on my way" - Kim Jonghyun

Don't take people for granted. Don't judge. Because you don't know what they've been through. You don't know how it feels. 

Monday, July 3, 2017

Though I cannot express all of my feelings


"Though I cannot express all my feelings,
It's okay because you know everything and smile" 
- Jung Sewoon, Always

Annyeong. It’s been a while right. So, I decided to write something today after sooooo long. I haven’t write about this person before, but we’ve been close for quite a while now. Because I’ve always write about that one person, it’s kindda weird to write about another person tbh. But I want to remember this as well.

Through her (yes, she is a girl), I just knew that I have this huge ego inside me.

The old me would’ve keep any sadness or hurtful feelings within myself and never talk about it. I would suddenly become awkward with that person and slowly go away. Then that person won’t even know what’s wrong and had no idea that I was upset. And suddenly, we became strangers.
Obviously, she changed me. Because I know she would gladly befriend with me for who I am, I can freely tell her if I’m, sad or mad or upset. Then she would say why she did that or if it was just misunderstanding.

The old me wouldn’t even give a chance for the other person to explain themselves.
Thank you for being with me and being patience with me and telling me when I was wrong. I’m really glad that I’ve met you. Idk if you will ever read this, but if you do, annyeong.

I treasured all my friends. But my ‘ego’ might still be high for some of my friends. So, if you happen to read this, please text me first. If I ever upset you, please tell me so. 

Friday, March 17, 2017

있잖아..


It’s been a while. I really want to write again, for so long, but it just didn’t happen. Maybe this place is really dedicated to you. Because everything seems to be about you. And when it’s about you, I really want to write. Because I want to remember. But please don’t read this. It’s embarrassing.

You know, having a lot of feelings, like easily getting hurt or being sad, is better than having so little of them. It means, you will appreciate little things more. Having to be born with that should be a blessing. Why do I always hate myself for having such feelings? It hurts so much, like thousand times more than others would. Guess I have never seen it in a good way before.


I didn’t know that about you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me to love myself a bit. 

Monday, September 5, 2016

I'm Being Dragged, Again


It’s been a while; I haven’t been too immersed into drama lately. I just watched, find something interesting; some quotes or something about life, in the drama to write about. Sometimes I just found the story interesting and fun. But that’s all. The last few dramas I’ve finished was Doctors, Beautiful Gong Shim, Entertainer, Page Turner, Descendants of the Sun, and Oh My Venus (all in 2016). But none of them leave such an impact. The dramas that hit me so much was I Hear Your Voice, School 2013, Dream High, Secret Garden, Reply 1997, Healer and Kill Me Heal Me. This time, I got hit again, by W.
It’s been a while since I have this feeling, having too much impact in me that I’m unable to be rational with my real life for a few days. As if I’m being dragged into the drama, but I got dragged too deep, that I got lost. You know, last night, I had a dream. I was in the drama, as one of the character, but I can’t remember what I did or what happened. I just woke up and forgot everything. I wish I had remember it. So I could write it here. So I could still remember it after 10 years.
After the episode today, I got hit so badly. My heart, like it stopped beating for a while. After the scene ended, I found myself start breathing again. It was suffocating. It hurt so much. Guess I got in too deep. I should live now. My life. Real life. But losing it for some time wasn’t so bad. I want that too; enter the other world. I might not be able to sleep tonight.

“It’s a manhwa – whether he lives or dies, he’s just the main character of a manhwa” -Oh Yeon Joo


I shouldn’t get myself too much on it. They’re just characters. Created by human. Meant to be with happy ending. 

W EPISODE 10

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Just one more time

“You can’t live only doing the things you like” - Yoo Hye Jung


There are times when things got too difficult. There are times when I just wanted to give up. There are times when I felt breathless, tired, suffocating. There are times when things just don’t go the way I wanted. At these times, I just wanted to sleep all day long and don’t want to wake up. Sometimes I wanted to scratch myself, so the pain would make the hardship go away. But I endured, I don’t know why and how, I just did. Now, looking back, it wasn’t so bad. But on that day, it was really bad. However, you can’t only live by doing things you like. You live by doing everything. By going through those times, you’ll feel like living. Just endure it, one more time, and another more, and slowly, you’re becoming the better person you are now.

-DOCTORS END-

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Honestly, I'm Confused

Have you ever feel like so tangled? Like you don’t feel like doing anything. And you can’t even enjoy the things you like, because of the confusion lying inside. It was like, even watching drama or playing games weren’t exciting. It feels empty. As if something was missing. This weird feeling. What is it? It hurts. It makes me anxious all the time. I’m so uneasy so I’ll just go to sleep. 

 "Don’t try to be a person that people will like, just be someone that you yourself can like - Hong Ji Hong

DOCTORS EPISODE 12

Monday, July 25, 2016

I also have that, inferiority complex

“Seeing you makes me angry, and I don’t know why. I got angry, with myself” – Jin Seo Woo

For no reason, I just got angry, or maybe irritated, or maybe, just maybe, hurt? I don’t know why and I don’t even want to know, because I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like this, but I just can’t help it. So I acted badly.

I really hate this feeling but it just won’t go away. That’s why we don’t talk to each other anymore. Because I hate it so much. Because I hate myself whenever I see you. Because you made me feel like a fool. Or maybe I am? Anyway I just hated it. But I don’t know if I hate you or not. I’m a bad person, I know that too. So just don’t bother me. Because I just might hate you more. Just as you know, hating hurts too.

DOCTORS EPISODE 10