I think I’m better now. I used to have this huge stage fright that made me so afraid of talking to a large crowd. I’m not really sure if I had those anymore, but most probably I still have it. But we don’t do powerpoint presentations anymore so I can’t really test myself. And I don’t even know why I had such fear. Suddenly, I just can’t make eye contacts, I have to stick to my script or I’ll went blank and if people starts asking questions, I’ll be shivering and my heart just beats like I’ve just run a marathon or something. Weird.
Lately, we’ve been doing a lot of poster presentations. Like, tons of them. And I just have to present to one evaluator at a time. Weirdly, I found myself not nervous at all. Well, with tons of practice ofc, I can never do things spontaneously, I just can’t. So during the poster presentations, I’m so relax, everything I practiced just went smoothly, and when the evaluator asked some questions, whether I can answer it or not, my heartbeat just remain the same. Weird.
I thought I’m getting better. But then I realized something. Because I was confident. When there were too many people, there’ll be lots of expectations, and I tend to think of what others might think of me and that kindda make me feel anxious. But when I knew who my evaluator would be, and I’m prepared for that particular person, I can be confident.
Everything was going so well, just a little bit too well, and guess what, on my last presentation, the evaluator will be someone I’d want to avoid the most. I don’t think I can be confident anymore. I think I’m going to ruin it. The anxiety is killing me. And I don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to be brave, to be strong, when you’re so scared.
So I decided to watch movie HAHAHA. To the Bone. It’s really good honestly. Not curing my nervousness though but still good enough to make me forget about it for a moment. I need that. That’s what I always do anyway. Rather than trying to overcome it, I just run and hide then forget about it.
Let’s just go through this, one last time. Why is it so hard. Even while writing this, my heart is beating like crazy. I’m so scared.